Since we moved, I've felt like a completely different person. A person I don't even know. Back home, I was home. I knew too many people because it's where I grew up. I knew all the back roads to get places so I could stay off the highway. I worked jobs that I was good at, and I was comfortable because there was always someone there that I knew.
Then we got here and I realized that I had been hiding behind comfort for far too long. This place scares me. There is no one here that I know. I haven't driven a car since at least July 31st. I'm not a big fan of traffic, and there is plenty of it here to persuade me into the passenger seat. I don't have a job because I'm blessed enough to not have to, but lately I've been wondering how happy I am being only a housewife.
The other night, we laid in bed and he let me "cry it out" until 6am. At the time, I felt like I had lost my identity and the only identity I had here was "Ryan's wife." But the more I've thought about it since, I realized that I never really had an identity. If you asked anyone who has ever known me what defines me, I can assure you that they wouldn't be able to answer the question. The best they could come up with would be Ryan and honestly, that doesn't bother me, because to know that people think of my husband when they think of me makes me feel like I'm doing right in my marriage.
But I want something else. I want a hobby. I want a passion. I want something that is mine. For the first time in my life, I have the opportunity to do anything I want, and I've spent the last 2 months sitting inside my house cooking, and cleaning, watching tv shows, and ultimately hiding from my fear of getting to know new people, and my fear of failure. I think I needed that time to myself and I'm thankful for it, but now it's time to put my big girl panties on and get out there and do something with my free time. Something I enjoy. Something I love.
Now, where the heck do I start?!
4 comments:
I completely understand. Eric is the outgoing life-of-the-party one in our relationship and I'm prefectly happy with taking the backseat to it. But sometimes I do want to shine on my own and unfortunately, meeting new people and taking a step outside my comfortable box is SOO heartwrenching. I am shy to the extreem although I lot of people wouldn't lknow it because of my alter-ego I create who is loud and friendly and super smiley. It takes a lot of work...but I'm sure you'll find something that works for you.
Have you looked at finding a Junior League in your area? I am currently in one and have met some great people because of it! Not to mention, doing an awesome community service!
I can completely relate on this note - when people ask me to describe myself, I always come up with just my name. I always feel that I don't have much going for myself other than my SO. Doesn't help that I am extremely shy. I'm starting to learn my own identity but it's definitely not an easy process. Hope you find something for yourself!
Oh, and Athens traffic is completely HORRIBLE. I absolutely hate it and I've been driving in Athens for four+ years - it never gets better.
I'm not so much shy as I am a horrible, terrible, no good conversationalist. Okay, maybe I'm a little shy too. Thank you both for the encouragement! And, I had never heard of a Junior League, but I looked it up and there is one in my town, so thank you double!
Well if you've been cooking...you could maybe take it further and be totally experimental and join some sort of a club or cookery group?? It could become a passion, whilst giving you the opportunity to meet and get to know people close by who share the same hobby!
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